Broken Roads

We had a meeting today with a mediator to discuss open adoption.  It looks good.  After the mediator left, and the house was quiet for a moment, I caught what song was playing on the radio in the background.  It was “Bless the Broken Road” performed by Selah.

Bless the Broken Road
Jeff Hanna, Bobby Boyd, Marcus Hummon

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all a part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God Blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Songs can mean different things to different people.  I know my past and my story, and this song–these words–ring so true for me.  When I look back at all the events in my life, and then look at where I am now, I can clearly see the path that God paved for me.  It was not an easy one.  There has been tremendous pain along the way.  But this much I know is true, that God blessed the broken roads that led me straight to Mary, and her to me. 

Thank you, Jesus, for filling my life with a song.  Thank you for the pain, because it only made me better able to ease her pain.  Thank you for the joy of my husband.  Thank you for your life.

The Twilight Zone

Adoption:  the great unknown, the black hole, where no man has gone before….OK so that’s not true.  Just because I haven’t been there doesn’t mean that no one has!  But you wouldn’t know that by talking to the people who supposedly do this all the time.  Court dates are changing and becoming unstable, information is sketchy, support is limited, and oh the bills!

 I know we will all be better off when this is all done.  It’s difficult now because we don’t know what we’re doing and we are still wrestling with what’s best for the child; contact or no contact…what level of contact if contact is agreed to and who, by the way, gets to oversee all this ‘contact’ that might be granted?  Us?  No, thank you!  Not on my best day would I be able to maintain my composure and protect my girl from the dangers of her parents!

 We would appreciate it if you could keep us in prayer at this time.  Things are moving, and there are decisions that need to be made that we really need to know God’s will on.  Most of all, please pray for protection for our little one who is very confused.  All she wants is to be loved, and to stay in one place! 

<insert scripture verse here….I need some help with that part>

The simple things

Simplicity: 

Sim*plic”i*ty (?), n. [F. simplicité, L. simplicitas. See Simple.]

1. The quality or state of being simple, unmixed, or uncompounded; as, the simplicity of metals or of earths.

2. The quality or state of being not complex, or of consisting of few parts; as, the simplicity of a machine.

3. Artlessness of mind; freedom from cunning or duplicity; lack of acuteness and sagacity. 

4. Freedom from artificial ornament, pretentious style, or luxury; plainness; as, simplicity of dress, of style, or of language; simplicity of diet; simplicity of life.

5. Freedom from subtlety or abstruseness; clearness; as, the simplicity of a doctrine; the simplicity of an explanation or a demonstration.

6. Weakness of intellect; silliness; folly.

I am on a quest to mold my life into simplicity.     

…in the arms of the Father

My Dear Child,

Today I remember you.  There is no special reason, no anniversary or holiday.   But you are on my mind, and I wanted you to know that.

 You will never know how my arms long to hold you, and how my heart aches at the thought of you.  You are so far away from me, and I can’t help but wonder what you are doing and who you are with.  I hope that you are happy.

Someday I hope to explain things to you so that you might understand why things happened the way that they did.  Things are so different now and looking back, there are many things I would do differently if I had the chance.  But I don’t.  What is done is done. 

God has sent another child to me.  A child who needs a mother as much as I need a child.  In her I see you, I hear you, I feel you.  She will never take the place of you;  you are my child, but she is the child God wants me to have.  Through her you speak to me and I hear you.  I thank God everyday for her not because she is here and you are not, but because of her I know you,  and knowing you allows me to love her for who she is.

I know you can’t understand now, but I really do love you.  I always have.  I wouldn’t let myself believe that for a long time, mostly because I guess it hurt too much.  It still does.  Little did I know then that I was putting you in the arms of someone who loves you so very, very much!  For that, I am grateful.  I know that you are protected and cared for better than I could ever hope to protect or care for you.  The arms of your Father are strong, and comforting.  Rest there, and know that I will be with you again someday.  Until then, play, sing, dance and praise the One who made you, for you are precious to Him! 

I hope that soon I can find the courage to really let you go…

Love always,

Mommy

Invade Me

An incomplete song… 

Take my hands, that they do Your work

Take my mouth, that I sing Your song

Take my feet, that I walk Your path

Invade me Lord, I surrender to You

 

Where can I go, and You are not there?

When I cover my eyes, You’re in my hands

When I bite my tongue, You’re in my mouth

When I sit, You’re in my feet

You have surrounded me, I surrender to You

 

Take my heart, that I love like You

Take my will, that my will is Yours

Take my thoughts, that I think of You

Invade me Lord, I surrender to You.

I have been really frustrated the last few days with the way our social system deals with foster kids.  Here are just a few of the things that get under my skin:

• Un-returned phone calls
• Kids in crisis kept in crisis by the system
• State worker’s rigid working hours
• Lawyers playing social worker
• Supervised visits, but unmonitored phone calls
• Layers upon layers of state involvement
• Unanswered questions because no one knows the answer
• No access to available benefits for the child (don’t even get me started on that one!)

Being a foster parent is tough!  I am supposed to provide a loving, nurturing environment and yet, by legal mandate, it has to be contaminated with cancelled visits by bio parents,  weekly phone calls by the same parents, disruptions in school to facilitate visits that only serve to upset and damage already hurting and damaged children.

OK, I’m off my soapbox.  Any one else dealing with this?

On having a little fun

We went sledding today!  Last night we had a pretty significant snow fall, with snow measuring about 2-3 inches this morning.  The last snowfall we had left the entire state in a pretty sorry state of affairs, and so in an effort to avoid that all the schools were closed.  My guess is that looking back, administrators are probably not happy with the decision, but the deed was done.

So what do you do with a kid when they are home from school?  Well I learned really quick that it wasn’t going to be as simple as “Honey, mom needs to do some work so you need to go do something and be quiet.”  It was a constant influx of “Hey Lori, look at this” and “I’m bored” and “I just want someone to play this with me.” So, after a few hours of that I gave up.  I had done the critical work for the day and decided to go do something or I was going to snap.  So we had a lunch of chicken noodle soup and off we went to the best sledding place ever.

Not far from our house is an area of, for lack of a better way to describe it, sand.  Hills and hills of sand.  When there isn’t snow on the ground, you can pretty much always find someone there either 4-wheeling, dirt biking or hitting some golf balls around.  But let a couple inches of snow fall and the place is crawling with kids!  It’s a glorious sight!  Hundreds of kids and parents swarming the hill, cars lining the street and the sweet sound of children squealing as they fly down the hills on every conceivable type of sled. 

Since our first winter here, I have wanted to re-live my childhood and head over there for an afternoon of fun but always felt a little funny about that since I didn’t have a kid to take.  Well today I had the bravest 6 yr old girl in the world with me.   She had never been sledding, which in and of itself is a feat in New England.  So I expected a little hesitancy.  Boy was I wrong!  From the start she was sledding like a kid who had done it her whole life.  She went down front ways, backwards, head first on her belly, head first on her back, curled up like a ball and every other way she could think of!  She even asked me if she could go down on her belly without the sled so she could be a penguin!  It wasn’t long before she didn’t want that helpful push at the start, and then she wanted a bigger push.  She went down a time or two and then wanted to go on a steeper side, and then to even higher ground.  She was sledding down runs that were packed with teenage boys…while the girls her age were still on the sledding bunny hill.  I couldn’t have been more proud!  A girl after my own heart!  Hard to imagine that this is the same little girl who cries at the thought of not being able to wear a dress to school! (couldn’t have paid me enough to do that at her age!) 

What a joy it was to be with her today, and watch her in her pink snow pants, pink jacket, pink boots, pink hat and blue mittens go whizzing down the hill and then plugging back up to do it again.  She never cried when she wiped out, she never complained about having to climb back up the hill and admitted to me that it’s no fun when you have to leave!  It was the best day ever!

We interrupt this broadcast for a commentary…

OK, so I am going to chime in on something.  I’m not sure if I am in the right frame of mind to do this or not, but quite frankly, at this moment that’s OK.

Recently our church, not our local congregation, but our entire denomination, has undergone some changes.  Some of those changes really are the work of God and some are not.  There is alot of ‘talk’ out in cyberworld about it and there are clearly a lot of hurting people out there.

We, our local church, heard a sermon that talked about “clearing the land” and that really seems to be the truth.  Some of that clearing hurts us, and some of it hurts others.  

I just read on someone else’s blog, (cechealing.wordpress.com) a comment that really bothers me.  One of the major changes for our denomination has been the retirement of one patriarch and the election of a new one.  There are some individuals who are so hurting still that even with the good news of a new patriarch they feel the need to be critical and cynical of the church leadership.  I don’t begrudge anyone the opportunity to heal, and if this individual were not a trained, educated, professional I would not even raise an eyebrow.  But, if I may be candid, this guy is/was in a position of counsel and pastoral care at one point in his career.  NOW, since things didn’t go HIS way in our denomination, he cannot stand the fact that we are moving on while he is still standing there, pouting, wishing he could play in our yard. 

Truth be told, he CAN play in our yard.  It’s not our yard!!  ALL have been forgiven…that much is true.  It is him, this individual, who cannot forgive.  If he could, he would know that what he is doing is as hurtful to those who remain in our church as what he suffered (or claims to have suffered) at the hands of the former leadership. True forgiveness comes from within, and effects change outwardly in actions, thoughts and words. 

He says he will continue to pray for those of us who remain.   I hope that at some point his eyes will open to the hypocrisy of that statement.  I wish for him the healing he seeks, the forgivness he craves and the ability to forgive that he needs.

Happy 2008

Well, here it is.  2008.  The holidays are over, the new year has begun.  Time to take down the decorations, put the tree away and pull the house back into alignment with our schedule. 

My husband and I told our little girl that after the holidays we would start looking into perhaps adopting a brother for her.  I am anxious thinking about that, but at the same time I am convinced that it would be the right thing for her.  We have the space, and I think we have enough love to go around.

We took her to visit the foster family she was with before she came to live with us.  The children there were glad to see her, and she seemed genuinely glad to see them too.  They gave her a pair of baby dolls; one girl and one boy (twins!) and some clothes for them.  She has been a very good mommy so far with them, changing their clothes each day, and feeding them.  Of course, they have been left unattended for several hours each day but that is to be expected for baby dolls!  

On the morning of the scheduled visit with the foster family, I found myself feeling very uneasy about it.  While driving home from church, I kept having the thought that she would go to the other foster mother and tell her she wanted to live with them again.  I was feeling a little uncomfortable, as if I was exposing myself to some potential hurt and wanted to protect myself from it by avoiding the visit.  The thought was persistent, and just as I was struggling with it, God stepped in through the voice of a 6 year old girl singing “I belong to you, I belong to you”.  It was not a tune I recognized, I presume she made it up.  All I could do was  smile, and then I quietly thanked Jesus for providing me the comfort I needed in that moment.   God is amazing! 

The visit went very well.  While we were there, the reassurance I needed was clear.  She wanted permission for something and approached me with “Mommy, can I go upstairs?”  5 simple words that have rocked my world! 

Happy 2008 indeed!