Joy

K…this post is going to break the rule about being short and sweet.  But it’s what I need to write today.  So feel free to read it as all one post, or split it up over a series of days!!

Over the weekend, I came down with a horrible migraine headache….again.  I know my triggers, lack of caffeine, too much caffeine, not enough sleep, eating poorly, stress, anger.  This time, it was stress.  And so I was prayed over. 
While the priest and 5 other women were praying over me, the priest had some insight about me.  He knewthat I was carrying around some heavy stuff, and reassured me that Jesus was ready for me to put it all down.  But he went further, and told me that this was not something I was carrying like a backpack, rather something deep inside that’s been buried for years; something that God didn’t put there.  Boy did he hit the nail on the head with that.  I was a little apprehensive in that moment that the Spirit was going to reveal to this man, and to these people (some of whom know my current struggles, and some who don’t) what the something that I am carrying around is.  But he didn’t.  He just allowed enough to say that it was deep, it was old, and it hurt. 
But one more thing that was pointed out to me is that because of this ‘thing’ that I have deep inside me, I am costing myself joy.

Joy: (Merriam-Webster)
Main Entry:  joy  
Pronunciation: \ˈjȯi\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French joie, from Latin gaudia, plural of gaudium, from gaudēre to rejoice; probably akin to Greek gēthein to rejoice
1 a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety

Happiness can exist where there is no joy.  The priest reminded me over and over that the joy he was speaking of is NOT an emotion. 

I’m stuck on that.  But I know what he means.  I want that joy.  I want to know the peace and joy that Jesus brings and that comes with loving and knowing Him.  To get there I have to untangle the web of other emotions that get in the way of loving and knowing Him. 

There is a wall that has to be removed, brick by brick, one small layer at a time.  I don’t know what’s on the other side of that wall, but unless and until I get the wall down, I won’t have the true joy that is waiting for me.

Tearing down walls is hard work, and it’s frustrating.  One or two bricks come down and a few more are put up elsewhere; protection for my heart from my hurt, my sadness, my own grief.  And, although He is with me through it, this is work I have to do myself.