Need a Little Help

Hey I need a little help from my friends.

I don’t often ask, but I’ve got to prepare myself for something that’s a little akward and a lot difficult.  Please, pray for me?  For wisdom, and for courage?…

On being 18 again

My high school class reunion was last weekend. The planning committee put together events for Friday night (a group of seats at the Boston Red Sox affiliate team the Lowell Spinners), Saturday night (the official reunion dinner), and Sunday (a family day at a large park in the city).

I didn’t go. To any of them. I couldn’t. I started at that high school as a junior. Everyone had their friends and as the new kid, they were not really interested in me. I joined the swim team and met some of my classmates, but still, I wasn’t as good as they were and I always felt like an outsider. I never really fit in anywhere. Oh I tried! I played sports, got injured and had to quit all but one. I got invited to a football game once and went. They all went drinking afterward and I didn’t go. I think that event is what set me apart from them…forever.

I was just reading one of the e-mails sent out since the reunion that was speaking to how the reunion made him feel. My classmate wrote, “I must admit that I am caught up with a feeling of nostalgia – the feeling of being 18 again, the feeling of being able to do anything.” Well they did “do anything”. There are stories, awkwardly humorous ones, about how even now, 25 years later, the cops were called to the after party. One female classmate (National Honor Society, Harvard Graduate, now business owner) commented “Here we are, 43 years old and still…” I know I wouldn’t have been invited to that party. We would have gone, had dinner, and returned home. We might have gone to the family day and heard about the party, and then I would have felt resentful that I wasn’t invited, just like I felt when we were 18 and I wasn’t invited to ‘their’ parties.

Although I would love to share in a wonderful feeling of nostalgia of being 18 again, for me that time was anything but a time I want to remember. Every family has their moments, and for my family, those years were it. I know there was an impact on my brother and sister as well. And I also know that I am not alone. Most of us endure things during those years that are difficult to remember. For me, that time lead to a series of events that are now haunting me. God is healing me, but reading through the reunion messages sprinkled with friendship and idealistic good memories I mourn the loss of those innocent years of being almost an adult, carefree and blessed with many friends. I sit, again, outside the window looking in.

I am going to walk away this time with my head held a little higher. Yes, I have made mistakes, big ones. But by the grace and mercy of God I am forgiven. I can now stand in a new ‘class’ with new friends and family and say “THIS is where I finally belong.” I have graduated again. This time I am in the Heavenly Honor Society!

When teeth can’t chew

One evening, not too long ago, we served salad with dinner.  Mary is not interested in salad…not even a little.  She let the bowl with a little lettuce sit there and sit there.  Finally, after taking one or two bites, she announced that her teeth just can’t chew the lettuce.

The next trip to the dentist, we checked with him, and sure enough, her teeth can in fact chew lettuce if she puts the effort in.

I have that problem sometimes with scripture.  I just can’t chew it.  Maybe I don’t want to.  Maybe…

Journey to Family part 5

We paced about the house, watching anxiously out the window for the car. Finally, it arrived. We could tell it was them because the car was going slowly. As it pulled in the drive way, we cautiously walked down the front walkway to greet our new house member. She bolted out of the car and exclaimed “I can’t believe I get to live here forever!!”

A year’s worth of things have happened in the 7 months that Mary has been with us:

Thanksgiving (spent at our home this year with family coming to visit)
Rich’s Birthday
Christmas
New Years
Valentines Day
St. Patrick’s Day
Easter
Mary’s Birthday (a huge event celebrated with friends and family!)
Memorial Day
Mother’s Day
Father’s Day
End of school, start of summer camp
My Birthday (coming up soon)

And we have had some other milestones as well, such as loosing a couple teeth and a visit from the tooth fairy, acomplishments in school, report cards, school pictures, as well as a myriad of hand done pictures, drawings, paintings, books and notes! We have lived a lifetime in these short months and it has been wonderful!

In the mean time, there was still work to be done legally. We didn’t enter into this thinking that we would adopt Mary right away, rather that we would foster until her birth parents could get themselves together. But the state had different plans. It wasn’t long before they moved to change the foster care goal from reunification to adoption. We didn’t initiate it, the state did. We were surprised to learn that the state had been involved far longer than we thought. We learned a few more horrifying details of her past life, and knew what we had to do. There was no doubt that the occasional visit (which were scheduled monthly but didn’t happen that way) was difficult for Mary. Although she didn’t act out as some children do, her school work suffered. We noticed right away how her quality of work took a nose dive. The artistic child turned to scribbling and destroying pictures she had drawn. Her overall behavior became a little out of control, and it was months before we saw the happy child again. And the weekly phone calls were difficult too. She would usually talk for just 5 or 10 min. Once we had to end the call because her birth mother burst into tears on the phone and saying things that a 6 yr old just doesn’t need to hear.

During this time, we spent time praying about adoption. We had made it through the first battle of getting her placed with us and now the next battle loomed: how to go about adoption.  We met with a mediator on a couple of occasions, and even one round table with the birth parents to come to an agreement for open adoption.  We felt that this was the best route given that we have known the parents for so long, and didn’t want to gamble that a court could order more visits per year than we were prepared to deal with.  Naturally, they didn’t want to give up their rights, and I felt, in a way, criminal asking them to. It’s a difficult place to be; wanting to have this child, not wanting to hurt the parents, wanting to protect the child, not wanting to hurt her by taking her from them. Millions of emotions that go back and forth. Wondering on some level if it is the right thing, but knowing on every level that her needs are paramount.  Our agreement was achieved, and we successfully drafted a plan that we felt kept Mary’s interest at the front.

After 1 or 2 more court appearances, and a foster care review board meeting, Mary’s birth parents signed away their rights in court in March.  It was a bitter sweet day for all of us.

Teen Pregnancy

Joel at CECWorship posted a poweful video along with the story of some pregnant teenage girls.  If you haven’t already, go HERE and check out the story and video.  Then come back and tell me what you think we can do to change things…

Thanks, Joel, for highlighting this.  We need to hear it, and we need to act. 

Journey to Family part 4

The next thing I heard put all my fears to rest. One of the two women turned and said, “It’s ok, Mary, we love you no matter what!” We had found Mary!

From the moment we were introduced, I knew it would work. Mary was charming, absolutely charming! And my husband showed all the earmarks of a great dad from the get go. He knelt down to her level, and carefully explained that he was her godfather. Then, she dropped the bomb. She asked, plainly “Why do you want to see me?” He explained, simply, we hadn’t seen her in a long time. That was it. It was the truth, but it wasn’t more than she could deal with. It was perfect.

As we left, the case worker suggest what we were thinking and that was that we start having regular visits. We were elated! Our first visit, on a Sunday, consisted of a trip to play mini-golf and dinner at Friendly’s. I’ll never forget seeing her in her aqua blue dress and white sandals! Soon, we were making the weekly trip almost an hour away for a few hours of Mary’s Sunday. In the mean time, we had to attend training, have a home study completed, a fire inspection completed and have in hand our foster care license so that Mary could begin to stay over night. The bedroom we set up in May was finally going to be used!

The licensing process wasn’t without it’s bumps. It’s difficult to explain the ups and downs of the whole process. There were phone calls, questions upon questions, (that goes both ways), and stress. But the day we got the license in the mail, the air of peace settled on us.

Soon, we were able to have overnight visits. We would pick her up on Saturday morning, and bring her back after church on Sunday. Mary blended right into our church family too, waiving the praise flags and dancing during worship! What a joy she is and what joy and blessing she brought to those in the congregation as well! Soon, our one night over night turned into two. We would pick her up after work on Friday and return her on Sunday after church.

As we made the drive to and from during the late summer, I remember wondering if we would still be making that trip in the fall. As the leaves turned color, I wondered how much longer it would be. I had prayed that we would get custody before school started, but it didn’t happen. Then the call came. Mary would be placed with us full time!

November 1, 2007

It was supposed to happen later in the day, but the call came about 2 hours early. Rich was rushing home from work, and I was too, because the social worker was on his way with Mary! We paced about the house, watching anxiously out the window for the car. Finally, it arrived. We could tell it was them because the care was going slowly. As it pulled in the drive way, we cautiously walked down the front walkway to greet our new house member. She bolted out of the car and exclaimed “I can’t believe I get to live here forever!!”

Looking Back at Father’s Day

It started off with rain. The air was thick with moisture, and my joints screamed in protest. But as I sat in church and listened to the message about my heavenly Father, the noise in my body seemed to quiet and give way to the outpouring of His love.

I don’t know how it happened. One day, I was despising my father for not being there, and the next I’m sorry for all the time lost communicating with him.

I spent many years folding under the pressure of my parents divorce. I wasn’t the typical kid of divorced parents in that I never blamed myself for their parting of the ways. I never thought that if I was just good, then they would get back together. Rather, I was indifferent to it. I didn’t care one way or the other. I was invisible. At least I thought I was.

My mother was angry and hurt. So, because she spent the most time with us, I thought what she thought. I had no idea why. I was supposed to be angry and hurt because she was. I took on a persona that wasn’t me. She came to my games, she cheered me on from the sidelines and even drove me to meets when I missed the bus. She had dinner ready for me when I got home from a late practice, she encouraged me in my homework, she woke me up in time for breakfast before school. She did the laundry. She kept the house. She did all the things a mother is supposed to do and more. But she was angry and hurt at my father, and I thought I was supposed to be too. So I shut him out. Even if he had tried to contact me in those years he wouldn’t have been able to because I shut him out.

Listening to the message yesterday reminded me that my father, just like me, is human. He makes mistakes. He is NOT perfect. I expected so much more of him because I thought that he had let us down. But he didn’t. He did the best he could with the knowledge, training and background that he had. I’m not a fan of why my parents marriage broke up. But it’s not my issue. I’m the product of that marriage. Part of each of them is what makes me who I am. I look like both of them. I talk like both of them. I write like both of them. But I am not them. And they are not me. They too, are only just human, prone to mistakes and failures. Just like me.

My Heavenly Father is perfect. In Him I am made perfect. I can forgive my parents because my Father in Heaven has forgiven me. He is the one I need to look to. He is the one who will never fail me, who will never disappoint me, who will love me unconditionally. I am lucky to have had the father that I have. He is smart, witty, fun and loving. I’m sorry that I didn’t see that earlier in my life.

Weird Animal Behavior

Ok, so I’m a ‘mom’ to 3 Weimaraners.  Every evening, after eating, they take turns in what has become a strange ritual in our house.

It starts with the dogs, one at a time, trotting out from the laundry room where their dishes are, through the kitchen and into the living room.  The first one in is usually Jingo.  He trots around the small couch, and then “dives” nose first into the carpet.  He pushes his face along the carpet, rear end high in the air, and then slowly lowers it, as he slides along the floor.  Then, as if it was all one fluid motion, he rolls his head over and then begins to roll around on the floor, wiggling like a snake on his back.  As he wiggles, his legs flop from one side to the other, and a seeming smile appears.  Then, the next dog, usually Spirit, arrives and the whole process starts again as the first dog just seems to know to give up the space for the incoming.  Then, lastly, Patriot arrives to perform his rendition, complete with moaning. 

I understand from reading that this is what is known as “the pleasure roll” and it usually follows some sort of pleasurable experience such as eating.  In our house, however, this ritual happens often with Jingo BEFORE a pleasurable experience…like when he knows he’s about to go out to play ball.   Like..whatver dude!  In the wild, this behavior actually serves another purpose.  Dogs ’scent’ themselves this way, bringing back to the pack the scent of other animals while at the same time leaving their scent marking the boundaries of the pack’s territory!

 

So I was looking out the window, and spotted a mocking bird doing this really weird thing.  It would take a few steps and then spread it’s wings showing off the broad white stripes on the wings.  This happened every few steps the bird would take.  I looked it up on the internet, and apparently this is a bizarre behavior that has not been pinned down yet.  It’s not believed to be a mating dance, but there is thought that that it could be related to warding off predators, or defining territory, or stirring up insects while it hunts along the ground.  Really strange!!

 

We have a lot of Killdeer around here as well.  These birds nest on the ground.  When a predator approaches the nest, the adults will fake injury to a wing by dragging it along the ground to lure the predator away from the nest.  When at a safe distance, the adult bird will take off.  What’s really weird is that the adult birds will act together, there could be 3 or 4 adults faking injury.  One might take off in flight, squawking as it goes to drum up support and reinforcements! 

 

What an awesome God we have, that He would create all these creatures with their own little quirky behaviors that enable them to survive in this world! 

Oh To Be a Kid in Summer!!

I miss summer.  I miss being able to play, and be carefree and even bored sometimes.  I miss bike rides to the community pool with friends, I miss frozen Charleston Chew bars, sand in my shoes, sweat in my eyes, and shivering after eating an ice cream cone on a warm summer evening. I miss summer camp, canoeing, camp fires and camp songs.  I miss the anticipation of summer travel and the joy of spending time away from home.  I miss The Beach Boys blasting from Aunties convertible, I miss fishing off the dock at Cape Porpoise.  I miss Grammy’s “grape-aid” at Swift River and floating over the rocks made smooth from the current.  I miss lobsters on the flag stone walk, tuna sandwiches and little bottles of ginger-ale on the beach.  I miss strawberry shortcake made with peaches just for me, and sitting in Grammy’s yard till way after dark.  I miss the smell of fresh shaved wood in the shop and the smell of the ocean and coastal vegetation as we walked to the cove.  I miss the feeling of coming home and sleeping in my own bed, and the sound of the crickets as I drifted off to sleep…

I can’t have those days back, but I’m learning to live fondly with the memories of them. 

I’m making new summer memories now.  Like these:

 

Lessons From Today

I heard something that made me think today.  I’ll share what I took away from it.

What I heard was a teaching on Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well.  The first key point was this:  Jesus could have stood in front of her, with all her sin, and all her blemish, and represented himself to her as how she should be.  Jesus could be a wonderful example of the type of life we should all live.  Only trouble is, we will NEVER be able to be what He was.  There are many people who are examples in our world.  Michael Jordan is a great example of a basketball player, but I for one could never do what he does.  Think of any “A” list actor.  Can you do what they do? 

The point is that outside of Him, we cannot live the life He would like us to.  We simply cannot BE what He was.  But opening up to Him, having Him living within, THAT changes things.  No longer is He the example to emulate, but the lead in the dance.  I love that image of Jesus as the lead in the dance.  I imagine a waltz, or some other classic dance, where the man leads, gracefully allowing the woman to be the center of attention while at the same time directing every step she takes.  He doesn’t manipulate her, or cause her to mis-step.  He gently guides her around dance floor, supporting her when she needs support and allowing her to shine as she spins and twirls into and out of His arms.   Sure of foot, and always there to catch, He is the anchor in the dance.

Back to the woman at the well.  The second key point was this: He met her where she was.  He addressed the issue, the “thing” in her life.  After that, he brought her the message of hope.  It’s a lesson in evalgelisim.   Jesus speaks directly to her, to her issue, without judgement.  

There was something else that I heard later in the day, but I’ve forgotten now what it was!  Crime is that at the time, I thought ‘wow, this would be another great blog post!’  Oh well.  Some stick, others don’t.  Good thing there is always tomorrow!