On Grief

My friend died today.  Well it’s yesterday now, and in less then 6 hrs it will be 24 hrs since he died.

My heart hurts.  My mind races with things left undone, words left unsaid, time left unshared…

I know that he no longer suffers.  That alone brings me a small measure of joy.

Because of His Grace

I’m in the process of planning a memorial for my babies. This has been difficult. I’m finding, though, as time goes on, that things in general are getting a little easier. I’m learning to accept that they were in fact souls; lives lost in the tragedy of the war within me. And I’m learning that forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I wrote this today. I have printed it out and put it inside the box that will contain letters to them from me. The box that will be buried, in an act of submission to His will, that I release them to His perfect care.

Because of His Grace

Your cries never reached me,
Your tears, never found,
To Heaven you went

Without even a
sound.

You’ll not be forgotten,
You’ll not be replaced,
In Heaven I’ll hold you

Because of His
Grace.

The School Bus

When I was a kid in school, elementary through sophomore year in high school, we didn’t take a bus. My parents had strategically bought a home within walking distance of all 3 schools– much to our dismay. My brother, sister and I wanted to ride the bus because that meant that we got to have lunch at school, which reaped other rewards such as having a lunch box. When your a ‘walker’ you don’t need a lunch box because you go home for lunch. It was an accoutrement that I didn’t have the pleasure of having …at least not that I remember anyway.

As an adult without children, I would drive to work and see all the children boarding the the buses each morning and dream of the day that I would have a child to send off to school. Seeing the backpacks filled with folders, books and, of course the coveted lunch box, made me long for the opportunity to go shopping for school supplies.

I remember the flood of worry that came over me last year as I watched the school bus pull away with Mary on board for the first time. I was letting this child out of my sight. My job, as her foster mom, is to keep her safe. How can I do that when she’s on the bus? What if something happened on the bus? What if there was an accident? What if a deranged person boarded the bus and hurt her? In that moment, I wished with all my heart that she could walk to school; that I could just take her by the hand and walk a few blocks to school and see her delivered safe and sound to her new first grade.

Today is the second day of second grade. I stood at the front door and watched her trot down the driveway and join up with the other children, parents and dogs as they awaited the bus. We are fortunate to live on the corner where the bus picks up, allowing me to give Mary the sense of independence she needs but still keep a close eye on her. I watched as my girl talked politely with the other parents, and acted appropriately as a girl should who is wearing a new dress to school! She looked smart in her dress, school shoes and lacy socks carefully folded over. She kept her hands to herself while engaging in conversations with other kids. And then the bus came. It stopped. The doors opened. Mary, seeing that no one was taking the initiative, moved herself into position at the head of the line, and then patiently waited as the bus monitor stepped off the bus and waved the children on board. She walked, carefully, the one or two steps to board, and then I watched as she made her way down the aisle looking on either side for an empty seat. She sat down. Once all the children were seated the bus departed up the street to the next stop. I waited at the door for the return pass out of the neighborhood. I didn’t know if she would see me or not, but I stood at the door waving. Then I saw her little hands pop through the window, waving and waving. I caught a glimpse of her bright smile as the bus whisked by.

Good, I thought. She is exactly where she needs to be.

Digging In

I read a book called Sit, Walk, Stand. It’s a study on the book of Ephesians. It breaks down the instructions from Paul in those terms. First, you sit. You DO nothing. Then, you walk. You walk in the knowledge of Christ and his mercy and grace. And when the need arises, you you dig in your heals and stand. Stand firm in Him. This is where the battle begins. You stand for Him, you stand because of Him. But you stand. You stand clothed in the armor of God, firmly grasping the sword of truth, digging in your heals on what Christ said, and did. On the truth of His life, and the promise of eternity. You dig in and fight off the attacks of the enemy…the flaming darts that come like a barrage. You put on the WHOLE armor of God.

When I was a kid, I went to summer camp. We camped in our tents regardless of the weather. We were in tornado country…and when the need arose, we dug in. I’m digging in now. I’m facing some stormy weather.

Anatomy of an Abortion

She walked, slowly, up the stairs. Reaching for the glass door, she was unsure what to expect. Instantly she thought of the series of events that lead to this moment; shame and fear flooded over her. One small part of her wanted to run, run from the door, from him, from them, from the whole situation. But she didn’t. The part of her that wanted to run was overpowered by her pride. She couldn’t do what she wanted to now no matter what. It would mean she wasn’t strong. It would mean admitting that she wasn’t capable of making her own decisions only reinforcing that THIS decision was right because it was theirs, that they were right. Going on her own allowed her to maintain some level of control in an otherwise out of control situation. It made them think that she agreed with them, and it made her feel like she was making the decision. She continued to wrestle with the decision as she walked through the door and into the cold empty lobby.

She thought she would see a medical office, with office staff and other familiar sights. She thought she would see a waiting room, complete with magazines and tables. Instead, it was more like a corporate office lobby. It seemed cold, professional. The thoughts of running crept in again, but once again pride over took them.

As she waited for her “interview”, she again thought of the circumstances that brought her to this point. Why, she wondered, had she violated her own moral code? Why had she defied her parents, her mother? Why had she wanted to wander from the safety and security of childhood? And why can’t she go back? Why does it have to be this way? She wanted to turn back the hands of time and change the decisions that were made, to make better ones…different ones. She looked down at her slightly swollen belly, and quickly diverted her own attention. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow herself to go there. She couldn’t think about it.

A moment later, they called her name. She followed through the wooden door. A few hours later, she emerged, tearfully, painfully, empty.

On loosing a friend…

I’m going to loose a friend. I don’t know when, but it will be soon I’m sure.

He called me today to tell me the news. We used to work together. Even though he’s almost old enough to be my dad, we became very good friends. You could say I taught him every thing he knows about making microsections. He introduced me to Sonia Dada, literally. We enjoyed Entrain while we were working together. His sense of humor never seemed to fade. No matter how much work there was, or how difficult the jobs were, Eddie had a way of laughing through it. He’s still laughing. He has a positive outlook …in spite of the dismal diagnosis; stage 4 lung cancer.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to get to visit him. I have no idea how much time they think he has left. I was too scared to ask. I don’t want to cry when I talk to him.

If you think of it, please lift Eddie, and his wife Claire in prayer. I have no idea where they are with the Lord, so prayers that I might be able to share with them would be helpful.

Eyes on the Prize

Update:

I’m sitting here watching the women’s Olympic Marathon. I can’t help but think about the pain these runners endure, the determination it takes make it to the end of the race. Age, injury, economics…all factor into a race. And yet they run.

Who among us has not had pain? Who among us lacks determination? We all suffer aging, occasional set backs be it physical, emotional, financial…

We run…

And as the first runner enters the arena, the crowd erupts. Oh how the gates of Heaven must sound!

Philippians 3

NIV: 12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The Message: 12 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. 13 My friends, I don’t feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. 14 I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done.

I was watching my dog, Spirit as she focused on a toy I was holding. Her eyes fixed on it. I tried in vain to get her to look at me, to just glance in my direction. I said her name, I made noises, I even moved the toy out of sight. She didn’t budge. She kept looking at it, and when it wasn’t there she looked at where it was.

Oh that I could learn to focus on Jesus that way!

On Macaroni and Cheese

While we were on vacation, we were taken to a restaurant for dinner near Nana’s house. Mary quickly spotted Macaroni and Cheese on the menu and decided that is what she would have. Our food arrived, and we eagerly dug in. Initially, Mary seemed to enjoy her meal. She did her usual antics at dinner time and we had to “encourage” her to eat. Finally, it came to light that she really didn’t like it. This was not K___T Macaroni and Cheese. (I tasted it and I didn’t like it either!) What she thought she was getting was oh so different than what she got.

Oh how many times this has happened to me…the reality of what I got was no where near the expectation.

And I think about me. Have I fallen short of God’s expectation of me? Does He poke and prod at me like the flavorless macaroni and cheese to no avail? I could take on the flavors of the spices He adds, or I can just be plain and dull and flavorless.

I wonder if I measure up to the expectation or do I just think the expectation is greater than it is?

I Love….

MANCATION!!!

Sorry, hun.  You didn’t really think that if you left it, I wouldn’t eat it did you?

Homecation, sans Man

Well, my husband is off on a “Mancation” with some guys from church, Joel and Matt.  I thought I’d post a bit of life without the “big hand on the clock” of this house.

So we got up to go to church and he got up ahead and showered…that is of course a couple of hours after having gotten up to take the dogs out and feed them, and get coffee brewing for me.  So I roll myself out of bed, still tired, but knowing that i don’t need to shower since I had done it the night before.  I went and got Mary up who was also sleepy enough to sleep in!

So off we go to church, where there is no worship leader…he’s already on “Mancation” and now we have to figure out the tangle of cables, pedals and mics.  We sure missed our worship leader!  Then, during the worship set, I had NO sound from my guitar!!  NONE!  I kept signaling to Rich in back, but he was at a loss…everything was fine from his end.  During the peace, I went and checked, and sure enough someone else had tugged on the cables that we had finally figured out and pulled the cable from the direct box!  AHHH!!  Well, it was figured out now anyway.

Set went well, then moving on to the liturgy…I know Fr. Dave was glad I was there!  We did our usual stuff, and together we made it sound good!

So after church, Rich took over the kitchen duties for us both…I got caught up chatting (my bad!)  As we headed out, Joel called, and he and Rich confirmed the meeting time.  Pressure was on.  Long drive home, all the stuff needs to be done, and oopps…forgot to stop at pharmacy to pick up prescriptions!  A MUST do.

I helped Rich get his stuff together, made him a sandwich for lunch, then headed out to clean up my mess in the Envoy.  The guys were taking our SUV this time.  Mary helped me a bit washing dog nose prints off the glass, and then she ran off to eat her lunch.  Job done.  Envoy looks good.  And there is enough time for Rich to relax a little before heading off…

Shortly after he left, Mary and I changed into our bathing suits and headed to the lake for a late afternoon swim.  We had a grand time for about 2 hrs and then decided we should hit the road home and feed the dogs.  Along the way we stopped and picked up KFC…something new for her, and something not done with Rich since he is not a fan of it…and came home to feed 3 hungry dogs and 2 hungry girls!

Mary had dinner in her jammies…then off to bed by 7:45.  After saying her prayers, she looked at me with her head resting on her bed and said, “I’m pooped!”  I love the sound of that!

My evening was quite.  Only had to take the dogs out a couple of times.  Sat and watched TV for a bit and then off to bed.  (Well, there’s a little more to it but not really blog worthy.  Lets just say a much needed phone call to a friend that was really ‘helpful’.)

So here it is, day 1 (officially here) and I’m a little lost without that big hand on the clock.   He really does keep things moving around here.  And on that note, I must go…things to do….my day is just starting!!