Di-scon-ne-ct

I feel so disconnected lately.  I’m terribly busy at work, which is good and bad, and I’m terribly busy with life….you know, the kind of stuff that just gets to you.

I’m feeling like I’ve missed the boat.  I don’t know when…

I know people are reading this…sort of.  I’m reading others, but I feel like all of a sudden life is going on around me and I’m watching the show from the sidelines.

What do I do?

And that’s that!

I’m such a bad doggie mommy.  I’ve been so stressed lately…and last night, I left Jingo outside.  I took them out at about 1am, which is when I woke up on the sofa, and then went up to bed.  I counted…I saw 3 dogs curled up on beds as I tip-toed around to climb in myself.  When Rich got up at 5 to feed them and take them out, there were only 2 in the bedroom behind a closed door.  Jingo was outside in the yard, up on his hind legs peering in through the garage door window barking.

Weimaraners are not the kind of dogs that can be left alone, and not only did I leave him alone, I left him outside.  It’s getting cold at night here; Weimies don’t have a thick coat.  Weimies are nervous, anxious dogs and Jingo is one who suffers from separation anxiety, and I left him alone outside.

If you ever want to experience true forgiveness…true agape….get a dog.  When I got up this morning, after all this, Jingo greeted me with a smile (yes, he smiles by curling up is top lip and exposing all his teeth in the most endearing way) then he jumped up, wrapped his front paws around my waist and licked my chin exuberantly!  He was so happy to see me…   Then he wouldn’t leave my side.  He stuck himself to me, as if to say, “I’m yours, You are mine, and that’s that!”

Sometimes I think that we have these encounters to really illustrate to us the depth of love and forgivness we get from God.  No matter what we do, He stands by our side and says, “I’m yours, You are mine, and that’s that!”

Anatomy of Healing part 2

Weeks passed.  She wondered if she would ever really start to “feel” good again.  The woman running the study asked her how she felt she was doing.  Fine, she thought.  But not great.  “Good, I’m doing good” is what came out of her mouth.  She knew she was still hiding.  She was starting to lose hope for herself.  She felt she had made such a serious mistake, and that nothing she read, nothing she did, nothing she prayed was going to change it, or fix it or make it feel any better.

In her conversations with others, she had found friendship.  A confidante.  They shared, they cried, they laughed.  More weeks passed.

She bought a box.  She wrote letters.  Then the day came to really bring things to a close.  She felt God press on her that she needed to make a move now to bring closure and healing.  So she did.  With the help of others, she took the box with the letters to a quiet place near the water’s edge.  A shady spot in the woods where peeking through the trees was the glitter of the water, and the gentle sound of tiny waves crashing on the pebble beach.  It was a calming sound.

The “thump” of the hatchett against the ground was deafening.  There wasn’t anything particularly loud about it, but there was something that made her cringe.  There was a finality about it.  Once the hole was dug, they placed the box in the hole, read some scripture, and covered the box with earth.  She pushed a few handfulls of dirt over the box and emotions over took her.  She began to cry.

Anatomy of Healing part 1

The woman asked her what she wanted to get out of their meetings. Her eyes dropped to the floor. Inside she was answering the question with words like “whole” and “happy”. She opened her mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. Finally, after what seemed to be forever, she said “I want to be able to give my daughter all of me, not just part of me.”

She worked through the study, answering the questions, looking up the bible passages. To her, it didn’t seem like anything was working. She was still angry, still hurt, still condemning…and there it was.

Interjection: In the process of healing, at some point the condemning has to stop. There has to be a line in the sand where the self condemnation gives way to self forgiveness. When the judgment of others gives way to forgiveness of others.

She admitted to herself that this was where she needed to work the hardest. She did the exercise of assigning blame; understanding that she didn’t make the decision herself but that there were others who influenced her. She worked through forgiving each of the individuals she had included.  She read the bible passages.  Some of it helped, most of it didn’t.  There wasn’t anything revealed to her in that bible study that she didn’t already know.  One thing did happen though:  she had started to talk about it.  She had started to come out from the shadows of the past, and test the waters of the present.  For so long she had resisted full disclosure for fear of judgment, abandonment, ridicule.  She learned that there were many women in the bible who dealt with similar issues.  They all came out from the shadows and found love and acceptance in God and Jesus.  She was learning that each time she shared a little of her heart, she was met with compassion, understanding, encouragement.

Last Letter

My Dear Children,

The day has arrived for me to let you go.  I have not wanted this day to come for obvious reasons, but I have been waiting for it for so many years.  The sun is shining brightly this morning, and the sky is crystal clear; just the kind of day that makes the earth look happy.

This is going to be my last letter to you.  Not because I don’t want to write to you, but because in saying good bye, I need to close the door behind that keeps me in this prison and cross the bridge to a new life, one without regrets and without sorrow over you.  One that rejoices in knowing that you were, even for a few brief moments, lives that had meaning, purpose.  Lives that will not be forgotten but will be remembered with joy rather than shame, guilt and sorrow.  I want that so badly, and I’m sure that you would want it to be that way as well.

I wish that I could share with you the joys of earthly childhood; the meaning of a mommy wiping a tear, or the feeling of climbing into a welcoming lap when the world has beaten you down.  I wish that I could see your faces, and hear your voices.  But it was not meant to be in this lifetime.  I can look forward to seeing you, hearing you, holding you, knowing you in the kingdom of Heaven!  The anticipation is great, but please know that the love is greater.  The love that keeps me right where I am, giving to the little girl God has given me all the things I would give to you, but knowing that she is not you, and you are waiting for me!  In her, I will continue to see you, and through loving her, I will be loving you.  She is my purpose, and a gift from the God that loves and cares for you.

I know that letting go of you is not going to be easy.  I know that there will be tears.  But I also know that when I have really let you go to the One who created you and loves you more than I can fathom, I will be free to cross over the bridge to a better place in my own life.

Please know that this is a bitter sweet day for me, one that will not be forgotten, just as you are not forgotten.

Love, Mommy

Tongue Twister

K…can ya say it??

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg

It’s a real place:

Situated in Webster, Massachusetts, this lake is now known UNOFFICIALLY as Lake Webster.

Eh, whatever.  I prefer the long version…just cuz I can say it!!!

Learning to Cook

Mary helped make dinner tonight.  She tried her hand at pealing potatoes, and LOVED using the ‘chopper’ to dice them.  She is washing up a few dishes in the sink, and when the potatoes are ready, she’s gonna help mash them!  I’m so proud of her.

(I just heard her tell Jingo that she’s doing “some serious business here!”

Actively Seeking

This morning, my oldest dog, Patriot, did something he has not done in a long time. After going out and being fed, he, along with the other two, were herded back upstairs to our bedroom to go back to bed. The other two quickly curled up on their beds on the floor while Patriot came over to my side of the bed and hopped up with his two front paws near my ankles. I wanted to give him the attention he was asking for so I said “Come’ere Patriot.” He promptly jumped up on the bed.

Now, this is not permitted in my house. I won’t have any of the dogs on my furniture or on my bed. As a matter of fact, starting when Patriot was a puppy, we made it a rule that if you’re going to hold the puppy you’re going to sit on the floor to do it. So Patriot has always been my ‘needy boy’. When he was very tiny I used to have to sit on the floor at the door of his crate and let him fall asleep in my lap. Then, ever so gently, I would lift him into his crate and put him on his bed. He would crawl back out onto my lap and we repeated this until he finally settled in. ( Now I don’t need any tips from trainers, I am one. He is quiet self assured, and loves his crate.)

After ordering Patriot off the bed this morning, I offered him affection from where he was. It wasn’t enough. He walked around to the other side where the other two dogs were, sat and began to moan a guttural moan that sounded like he was trying to talk. I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to sit on the floor so he could curl up in my lap. He wouldn’t give up either. We told him to go lay down on his bed. My husband tried, I tried. Nope. The moaning continued. Finally, my heart knowing what he needed, I got up and indulged him. I sat on the floor, he quickly came over and curled right up and moaned a pleasant moan…over and over and over. He quietly moan/whined as I petted from his head to his tail in a circle. The he tucked his nose into the crook of my elbow and moaned again; the moan that lets you know he is content.

Proverbs 8:17
I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.

Isaiah 58:2
For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.

Isaiah 65:1
“I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.’

Isaiah 65:10
Sharon will become a pasture for flocks, and the Valley of Achor a resting place for herds, for my people who seek me

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Hosea 5:15
Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me.”

Amos 5:4
This is what the LORD says to the house of Israel: “Seek me and live;

Romans 10:20
And Isaiah boldly says, “I was found by those who did not seek me ; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me.”

Our God wants us to actively seek Him. Over and over he says it. He wants us to be looking for Him in everything, at all times, everywhere we go, and in whomever we meet. He wants us to find Him because He will be the comfort, the soft place to land, the lap of the master who loves.

Are you actively seeking Him? Commit today to look for Him, in all places, at all times, in everything and every one. You WILL find Him. He wants you to find Him and when you look He will reveal Himself.

Seek and you will find. Believe so that you may understand.

Pigtails or Ponytails ?

Ok, so today was a new day in hairstyles for us.  Mary’s hair is long enough for ponytails, or is it pigtails?

All this time I thought that pigtails are one, or two gathers of hair that are braided, resembling a pig’s tail and that ponytails are one or two gathers of hair that are NOT braided.  Now, I’m not sure.  Does it matter?

Anyway, check this out!

Courage

Superman, Spiderman, Cat woman, Batman, The Lone Ranger, Wonder Woman, Lassie, The 6 Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman…The Cowardly Lion….your friend

Who illustrates the most courage to you?

My friend.  She has so much courage.  She doesn’t think so.  She thinks she she is weak.  She thinks that she can’t do as much as she does.  She is the strongest person I know.  She has faced giants with the courage of David.  She has faced Lions the likes of Daniel.  She has faced fiery furnaces the likes of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

I love her.  She is real.  I wish she lived down the street.  oh…and she knows how to take care of cockroaches too….