So I was talking with Joel (cecworship) last night, and have decided that what I really need to do is just keep writing, and reading. I’m not moving right now, I have become a little stagnate. I hate it. Of all the things to become in the world, stagnate is just not on my short list, and it has to change. I’m sure there is some great reason–some how there has to be one.
I’ve been doing quite a bit of soul searching recently. This isn’t fun. It’s part of the season, and part of my spiritual maturing I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean I like it any better. Who am I? What makes me who I am? Is it my past? Is it my present? Could it be my future? How do I define myself? How do I measure myself? What is the standard? If I get answers to all these questions will life be good?
All things in God’s time. All good gifts are from above. “My sins are washed away, my night is turned to day” How do I apply all this into daily living, healing, grieving, moving, changing? Am I supposed to?
One of the big things that keeps me from moving from this spot is feeling like I fouled out of the game. In basketball, each player gets 4 fouls…then on the 5th…they are done. Out. No more play time. Is that me? Did the referee in the sky just blow the whistle on me and boot me? The whistle blows…I raise my hand to accept responsibility for the infraction. Over and over and over it happens. They don’t add up. So why am I sitting on the bench? Why do I watch, and not play? Or…as scripture says…am I ok. Do I not have to worry about it because the count keeps resetting each time I foul. Sin is like that. I feel like my sin is so great that not only am I ejected from the game, but I have to leave the gym. My head tells me that’s not true. I logically know the answer. Its just that…well…..