Say whaa?…huh?!

So I was talking with Joel (cecworship) last night, and have decided that what I really need to do is just keep writing, and reading.  I’m not moving right now, I have become a little stagnate.   I hate it.  Of all the things to become in the world, stagnate is just not on my short list, and it has to change.  I’m sure there is some great reason–some how there has to be one. 

I’ve been doing quite a bit of soul searching recently.  This isn’t fun.  It’s part of the season, and part of my spiritual maturing I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean I like it any better.  Who am I?  What makes me who I am?  Is it my past?  Is it my present?  Could it be my future?  How do I define myself?  How do I measure myself?  What is the standard?  If I get answers to all these questions will life be good?

All things in God’s time.  All good gifts are from above.  “My sins are washed away, my night is turned to day”  How do I apply all this into daily living, healing, grieving, moving, changing?   Am I supposed to? 

One of the big things that keeps me from moving from this spot is feeling like I fouled out of the game.  In basketball, each player gets 4 fouls…then on the 5th…they are done.  Out.  No more play time.  Is that me?  Did the referee in the sky just blow the whistle on me and boot me?  The whistle blows…I raise my hand to accept responsibility for the infraction.  Over and over and over it happens.  They don’t add up.  So why am I sitting on the bench?  Why do I watch, and not play?  Or…as scripture says…am I ok.  Do I not have to worry about it because the count keeps resetting each time I foul.  Sin is like that.  I feel like my sin is so great that not only am I ejected from the game, but I have to leave the gym.  My head tells me that’s not true.  I logically know the answer.  Its just that…well…..


4 thoughts on “Say whaa?…huh?!

  1. suzanne says:

    knowing that we are forgiven is one thing……….feeling it is quite another. I think the key is forgiving ourselves the way our father does. I have such a hard time with that. We think that somehow we don’t deserve it, we should be punished, are we being punished? I think it comes down to GRACE. His grace is enough. You are not perfect but you are def perfect in him.

  2. tam says:

    “I logically know the answer. Its just that…well…..”…living it is easier said than done??? Perhaps that’s not where you were going 😉

    Reading through this all I can say is wow. Heavy.

    I HATE when people say this, but I have to say it…I’ve been there. trust me. I really understand what you’re saying here.

    The thing that stuck out to me is…whoever you once were does not define you. Unless you let it. Your significance DOES NOT lie in the wrongs of life. Not when you’re a child of God. Your significance is in HIM. Period.

    I lived far too long allowing my past, and present, choices to dictate my life, my steps, my decisions, my joy.

    “All things in God’s time. All good gifts are from above. “My sins are washed away, my night is turned to day” How do I apply all this into daily living, healing, grieving, moving, changing? Am I supposed to? ”

    Yes you’re suppose to apply this. If I can be so bold…not that I haven’t already 😯 The moment I forgave myself of the things that were causing the most struggle in my life, I instantly saw HIS forgiveness in a whole new light. I had been my own biggest hurdle for years. Forgetting that He died “ONCE” for “ALL”. That meant me too. I was covered before I needed covering.

    I’m sorry if this was too long or out of line…So I’ll end by saying I am praying praying for you. And i would love to chat more if you’d like.

    Thanks for being so real here!

  3. lori says:

    Suzanne–thanks. I think your right. Grace. Such a powerful word.

    Tam–yeah, I would love to chat! Thank you for your candid comments as well. I need to hear real as much as I need to be real!

  4. tam says:

    You can email me anytime Lori.

    I would really enjoy getting to know you more!

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