I was on the phone. I didn’t want to hear what was being said to me, yet I couldn’t hang up. I had to sit it out. Then, after the call, it showed up in my voice. Like a a viper, my anger shot out. “What is the problem?” he wondered. I explained that I felt trapped between 2 warring countries. Both wanted me to be the safe place to hide from the other. They each wanted my support, my unconditional support. He seemed to know in an instant what I needed. “I can help you with that” he typed to me in the tiny chat window of the game. “But not here, can I call you?” I was skeptical. Then all of a sudden, the number was in the chat window. I worried about it, for about 3 seconds. Then the phone rang. Over the phone, he taught me how to forgive. He didn’t lecture me, he didn’t batter me with a bible. He taught. He walked me though a prayer of forgiveness, and then a prayer of healing; healing the wounds I created when I severed the cords of unforgiveness. Then a day or so later, we were on the phone again. He gently approached me, telling me that he felt I was in a place where I had no where else to go, and that accepting Christ into my life would change all that. The wheels would stop spinning and actually make forward progress. I pictured an old wagon wheel; Stuck for so long with no hope of ever moving again, and there it was slowly creeping along the dirt.
Moments after I accepted Christ into my heart and into my life, the day continued as it had, or not. I went to the grocery store where songs like “Every Heartbeat” and “Ain’t No Mountain” seemed to be playing just for me. I was on a cloud. I had never in my life felt so light and happy. I sent him an e-mail telling him how elated I was, and included the lyrics of an old Helen Reddy song that popped into my head moments after hanging up the phone with him:
You can bend but never break me
’cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
’cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul
Yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes I’ve paid the price,
but look how much I’ve gained
If I have to, I can do anything…
The lyrics seemed to me to have a whole different meaning than what they were originally written for. They had morphed into a battle cry for me, in my quest for wholeness and happiness.
Then it all came down. I walked around for 3 days like I was naked. Every emotion was on the surface; quick to cry, quicker to frustration and then anger. I lost interest in all things that used to bring me pleasure. “What’s up with the music thing?” my husband would ask. Me being into music as much as I am, he was surprised to see me bringing in all my CDs from the car. I wondered, had I done the wrong thing? Was there something supernatural happening to me? Why is this something happening to me? I wanted to be hugged, I needed reassurance all the time. My vulnerability hung on me like tender new skin. I was re-born. I was a new creation, one that I didn’t know and it scared me.
It was a strange few days, until I found my church…and then everything settled into place. Like a child wondering lost, when I found my church I knew I was home.