Ok, so today there was a baby shower for a co-worker. As a small working group in a large company, we are a pretty tightly knit group of people and my absence at that shower would have been painfully obvious. So I went.
I’ve stressed about this for a couple days. And it was pretty much exactly how i expected it would be.
Rather than each of us drive our own cars to the restaurant, three of us traveled together. On the way there, I prayed quietly to myself, and tried to prepare mentally for the lunch.
After everyone had arrived and drink orders had been taken, the conversations started. Yep, you know the ones. It was pregnancy story after pregnancy story. I sat with my stomach in a knot. I could only smile and laugh politely at the humorous stories. What I wanted to do was run…leave…the table, leave the restaurant but i held my ground and stayed (with a little help from my new pal, a tiny white pill!)
The conversation continued through the meal often centering on naming the baby, who’s gaining weight: the expectant mother or the expectant father, how much ‘stuff’ the new mom has managed to pick up for herself, and what they still need to buy.
Then there was cake, and gifts. All the norm. But I wasn’t in the room. Oh I was sitting in my chair but I sure wasn’t in that room mentally.
As time went on, I felt worse . I felt a whirlwind of emotions; anger, frustration, jealousy, humiliation. None of them were overwhelming, but they were there. Anger that no matter how much I want to I can’t turn these emotions off. Frustration that it was happening in the first place. Jealousy that it was someone else’s turn, yet again, to have this joy. Humiliation at the reason that I’ll never know that joy.
But it’s over. The mom-to-be was very surprised, and grateful for the attention paid to her and the gifts chosen for her. We ended our lunch, and came back. I made it.