Joy

K…this post is going to break the rule about being short and sweet.  But it’s what I need to write today.  So feel free to read it as all one post, or split it up over a series of days!!

Over the weekend, I came down with a horrible migraine headache….again.  I know my triggers, lack of caffeine, too much caffeine, not enough sleep, eating poorly, stress, anger.  This time, it was stress.  And so I was prayed over. 
While the priest and 5 other women were praying over me, the priest had some insight about me.  He knewthat I was carrying around some heavy stuff, and reassured me that Jesus was ready for me to put it all down.  But he went further, and told me that this was not something I was carrying like a backpack, rather something deep inside that’s been buried for years; something that God didn’t put there.  Boy did he hit the nail on the head with that.  I was a little apprehensive in that moment that the Spirit was going to reveal to this man, and to these people (some of whom know my current struggles, and some who don’t) what the something that I am carrying around is.  But he didn’t.  He just allowed enough to say that it was deep, it was old, and it hurt. 
But one more thing that was pointed out to me is that because of this ‘thing’ that I have deep inside me, I am costing myself joy.

Joy: (Merriam-Webster)
Main Entry:  joy  
Pronunciation: \ˈji\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French joie, from Latin gaudia, plural of gaudium, from gaudēre to rejoice; probably akin to Greek gēthein to rejoice
1 a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety

Happiness can exist where there is no joy.  The priest reminded me over and over that the joy he was speaking of is NOT an emotion. 
I’m stuck on that.  But I know what he means.  I want that joy.  I want to know the peace and joy that Jesus brings and that comes with loving and knowing Him.  To get there I have to untangle the web of other emotions that get in the way of loving and knowing Him. 
There is a wall that has to be removed, brick by brick, one small layer at a time.  I don’t know what’s on the other side of that wall, but unless and until I get the wall down, I won’t have the true joy that is waiting for me.
Tearing down walls is hard work, and it’s frustrating.  One or two bricks come down and a few more are put up elsewhere; protection for my heart from my hurt, my sadness, my own grief.  And, although He is with me through it, this is work I have to do myself. 

 

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8 thoughts on “Joy

  1. suzanne says:

    brick by brick! your friends will be there to help cushion the breaking of those bricks……………

  2. Janna says:

    thank you for sharing this. The walls will come down so you can let the peace and joy in your life. the sucky part about it is that it takes time, sometimes more time than we want it too. But its in gods plan for it to go that way. You will have the Jesus blanket to cuddle you through those times.
    I am glad to get to know you better this weekend. *HUGS*
    Love,
    Janna

  3. lori says:

    Suzanne…thanks.

    Janna…Great to get to know you too girl! Yer jus crazy! thanks for the encouragement…

  4. my mentor used to always say “simultaneous joy and sorrow” when talking about life.

    i think life is sticky – complicated – but worth the moments of happiness and joy when it can be found…

    i’ve teared down walls in my own life – around my own heart. and i’ve felt such SORROW over being exposed, vulnerable, defenseless.
    but, then, a Joy comes – a joy in anticipation of freedom.
    and its then i realize that its all worth it.

    keep pulling bricks.
    keep on

  5. lori says:

    Mandy- your mentor gave you some wise words…thanks for sharing them with me.

    I realized today it’s not so much the bricks as it is the mortar…

  6. tam says:

    Amen!

    I am so glad you had this experience and those wise words spoken over you Lori.

    I am always here for you.

    i love you very much.

  7. lori says:

    Thanks, Tam. That means more than you know…

  8. 🙂
    you’re welcome…

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