She laid on the bed in pain.  She had never felt pain like that before in her life; she imagined it was what it felt like to be shot.  It had been going on for days, but she was too ashamed and embarassed to go to the doctor.  She hoped it would go away, but it didn’t.  Instead, it got worse.

She slowly climbed out of bed, and crept into the bathroom, doubled over in pain.  She swallowed 3 more Tylenol and headed back to her bed.  Before she made it out of the bathroom, the waves of neausea came on again…she had to oblige.

After another hour of intense pain and neausea, she gave in and agreed to go to the hospital.  Once there, she sucombed to the pain, and simply let happen what needed to happen.  The questions started with “Do you think you could be pregnant?” Her answer, flat out NO.  How could she be?  He slept in the other room, when he was home.  She didn’t want him near her, so pregnant?  No way.  They drew blood.  They poked, proded, more questions.  She didn’t care at this point that they had to do ‘that’ exam.  She just wanted to feel better. 

Hours passed.  They kept coming back asking over and over, could she be pregnant.  The answer was always the same, no.  They told her that they suspected that she might be bleeding internally, but they didn’t know why.  Blood was drawn every hour to check white cell count.  It confirmed for them that something traumatic was going on inside her belly but they just didn’t know what.

After several hours, she was moved into an acute care room.  They wanted to admit her, but they were not sure what they were dealing with so they were not ready to do it just yet.  Finally, he arrived.  She asked where he had been, although she was not really interested in the answer.  She asked him to help her get up so that she could go to the bathroom.  She sat up.  Everything went white.  She couldn’t move.  She could hear, she could see, but it was like she was in a cloud.  He got nervous, and called for the nurse.  The nurse quickly hooked up the blood pressure cuff, and checked her pressure.  There was an urgency in the nurses voice telling her to lay back down.  She couldn’t respond.  She wanted to, but she couldn’t.  She felt the oxygen mask being put on her face.  Then……nothing.

She woke to find that she was being taken for some sort of test.  The pain was now in her back and she was finding it difficult to breathe.  They wanted her to move from her bed to a table.  She could hardly do it.  Then the doctor asked her to lay flat on her back.  She couldn’t.  She tried in vain to explain to him that she was not able to breathe but he insisted, saying that if she didn’t co-operate, he couldn’t get the images he needed for her doctor to decide on a course of treatment.  She did the best she could.  Every time she took a breath, the muscles in her back would spasm and push the air out.  She couldn’t go on for long, but he gave in and said he had what he needed.

She woke again to hear the doctor explain to him and her mother that she needed surgery.  She didn’t hear much else of what was being said, as she was drifting in and out of conciousness.  The nurses came, 3 of them, and woke her to tell her she was going to go to the operating room.  They were moving very fast, and she didn’t really understand all that they were saying, but one sentence stuck with her.  One of the nurses looked her straight in the eye and said “I WILL see you back up on the floor.”  In that second, she felt panic.  Why did the nurse say that?  Why wouldn’t she be back in her room?  What was going on?  The next voice she heard was that of her doctor saying “We’re gonna get you feeling better real soon.” 

“Wake up, dear.  It’s all over.  Come on, open your eyes.  Open your eyes.  It’s all over.”  She moaned.  She didn’t want to wake up.  Then all of a sudden she remembered.  She struggled to make sense of everything.  Nothing was clear and she was frustrated that she couldn’t make sense of it.  “Wake up!  Open those eyes!  She’s awake.  She’s having a little trouble but she’s awake.  Squeeze my hand.”  She did her best to follow the instructions.  Then she gave in to the drugs again.

A day later, the doctor came into her room and told her all that had happened.  He explained that she had had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  He explained that usually in cases like this, the falopian tube breaks a little hole and bleeds.  He went on to say that it usually requires surgery to fix it.  “However, in your case, there was no tube to fix.  It was gone.  There was no tube.”  She understood what he was saying to her.  She felt nothing.  There was no emotion.  She felt void of anything.  The doctor offered as much compassion as he could.  She, however, was numb to the core.

After a day or so, the doctor came back and gave her the news that she could go home.  She was excited at the prospect.  She called him.  Excitedly, she said, “They are letting me go home today!  I can go home now!  Can you come and pick me up?”  There was a long pause.  “No.  I can’t”  Her heart sank.  “Why?” she asked, somewhat angry.  “Because,” he began, defensivly, “I have other things I have to do today.”  Stunned, she asked “Like what?”  “Like go for a job interview, that’s what!”  “Oh!” she said.  “Well, that’s good.  Where do you have an interview?” Another pause.  “I don’t know, I haven’t filled out any applications yet.”  She hung up the phone. 


4 thoughts on “untitled…

  1. klampert says:


  2. tam says:

    im with kamlpert…


  3. Liz says:

    i’m with them both…wow

    and i’m crying

  4. lori says:

    Thanks everyone.

    It’s hard to expose some of the things that are so secret. But they can only be delt with when they are exposed, and for me, one of the most effective ways to do that is to write it.

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