Confusion

I’m not going to beat around the bush.  I’ve been in a very uncomfortable e-mail exchange with someone.  It’s been said that I’m closing the doors to communication to that person.  Truth is, I have no idea why this person thinks that.  I’m in no way wishing that.  To complicate matters, it’s also being said that I’m hurting people in their family…intentionally.

At the core of the matter, apparently, is the fact that I am very active in my church, love my church family, and I’m not afraid to say it.  As a family, we participate in a lot of things at our church, and we do it willingly and happily!  I see this as a very positive place to be.  I gain encouragement from them, I gain knowledge from them, I have friendship with them.  They can’t replace family, but they have enhanced and enlarged my family.  We all have circles around us; circles of immediate family, extended family, friends.  And those circles extend outward from us.  These things are good, healthy even.

It bothers me that there is this issue right now.  I’m not angry about any of what’s been said.  I’m not even hurt by it.  I continue to love and care for this person and their family  deeply.  But it does concern me.  I’m confused, and sincerely hope that in the near future the fires will subside and communication can be restored.  It saddens me that my kids suffer for this right now, especially with birthdays, holidays and a very special Easter Sunday baptism all within 2 weeks time.

Abortion re-visited

Several months ago I joined some people from our church and another local church in a silent march for life.  I’ve never, ever participated in an event like that before.  Honestly, it took some courage for me to do it.  There’s a big part of me that feels like a hypocrite when I think about events like that.

I have to believe that Paul, who committed acts of utter treachery against those who followed and believed in Jesus and then later became an evangelist for Jesus, at some point really thought himself a hypocrite.  He does write a little about his past, and does acknowledge himself as the least worthy, but what I really like about Paul is that he doesn’t make it the focal point of his testimony.  He uses not what he did, but what he became as the leverage behind his words.  He never says “I know what you are feeling because I’ve been there”, but rather, “I know what you can be because I became that.”  There is a distinct elevation in his life from what and who he was before meeting Jesus on the road to Damascus to who he became when Jesus transformed him.  He went from being arrogant and self-serving to being humble and tortured.  And yet he, more than any other leader in his time, had influence and respect…and he still does today. 

It’s intriguing to me that he didn’t use the line, “Look at me!  Look how bad I was, and how good I am now!  Jesus did this!”  That arrogance was removed from him.  I believe that he was not capable of bringing that kind of self-centered testimony to the people.  When a person speaks of themselves in that way, it really takes the focus from Jesus. 

Standing on a sidewalk along a busy street holding a sign saying abortion is wrong humbled me greatly.  No one reading that sign knew my past, or how I got to that sidewalk with that sign.  But it didn’t matter.  For that event, I was shown exactly what it was like to be like Paul; to speak out for Christ, knowing what I know in my head but not making it the focal point of my message.  The message stood on it’s own.  Abortion is wrong.  My experience led me to that moment,  but Christ allowed me to speak to the hearts of others without me clouding the issue.

Flowers Bloom in Spring

It’s been a while since I wrote anything.  But Easter is coming.  And I really want to share this.

I was compelled the last couple of years to bring flowers to church.  I brought 2 Easter Lilies and in each pot, I placed a small stuffed bunny.  I plan on doing the same thing again this year.  It’s my way of thanking God for the grace and forgiveness He has showered on me.  And the blessings that He has given me in the way of a little girl, and for the time being, a little boy.

My story started a long time ago when I made a decision to have an abortion.  That decision left me scared in many ways.  Then,  after dealing with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy,  I found my house and my heart empty…there were no children, there was no laughter, no scolding, no tickling, no bedtime prayers, no staying up late to finish homework.  I tried to fill that void in so many ways.  I cared for my dogs as if they were my children (they still are!) but that didn’t ease the longing for what I didn’t have.

I was broken.  I didn’t have a clue.

But God did.  And He waited for me.  When I finally gave myself over to Him, what I felt was love.  Forgiveness.  Grace.  Mercy.  No one, NO ONE, had ever shown me that…e.v.e.r.  All I ever knew was conditional.

I believe that the baby I aborted was a girl, and the baby I lost as a result of the ectopic pregnancy was a boy. I hold on to that belief because it allows me to recognize them as people, human beings that God created for a purpose.  Although they did not have the chance to live that purpose, I am allowing Him to use them through me for another purpose, a divine purpose designed by Him after I stepped off the path He had created for me.

And now, I am Mom to one child whom we adopted, and one child whom we are fostering.  One has a birthday right before Easter, and the other is right after Easter.  Just God’s way of punctuating life for me.   And when I put those Easter Lilies in the church this year, it will be for them too, one girl, and one boy.

E, C, I love you.  M, T, I love you.  Jesus, thank you.