When your children were very small, you took that tiny helpless baby to the doctor because you wanted to keep him safe and healthy. You agreed to shots because you knew that the long term benefits far out weighed the minor pain your baby would suffer. You watched helplessly as your baby screamed, turned purple and looked like he was going to die as a result of your decision to have that little shot done. When it was over, and he was safe in your arms, you knew, to the deepest part of your soul that you would do anything, anything to keep him safe.
As he grew, you hovered over him, keeping him at a distance that allowed him to grow and explore, but close enough so that you could comfort him if/when he fell. You allowed that distance grow as he grew, but you were always there to comfort and love him. He knew that you would never, ever put him in harms way.
I didn’t get those chances when my kids were babies. I wasn’t there for them when that needle struck the skin. I wasn’t there when they were learning to walk, or even ride their bikes. But I’m here now and I know to the deepest part of my soul that I would do anything, anything to keep them safe. But I can’t do that either.
You see, when you agree to an open adoption, you agree to put your child in harms way each time they have a visit. And there is nothing you can do about it. You sit in a small room and wait, not knowing what is being said, not knowing how he is responding to the circumstance. And when you know it’s something he doesn’t really want it makes it even harder. But you do it because someone somewhere told you that it really is better for him in the long run.
And so there I stood, in the hallway, waiting for him to poke his small blond head through the door. And when he saw me, his pace picked up and then he started to run…right into my arms. Because this is what I can do for love. Because he is my son, and I love him. I hope and pray that someday he understands that I do this because I love him, even though it means I’m putting him in an uncomfortable situation. And I hate that.