by

And so it goes….

It’s Mother’s Day.  A day when children, no matter how old, pay tribute to their mothers with trays adorned with sticky pancakes, spilled milk and hand made cards.  It’s a day when flowers fragrant homes and splash color into the every day routine for days to come.

Today is a day when mother’s all over the world are pampered, kissed and remembered by the children they carried and then birthed.  A reward of sorts for the pain of labor and the torment of the first few years of chaos and frustration that no doubt are every young mother’s experience.

Today is a day that, to me, is still a little foreign.  Yes, I am a mother.  But I don’t know what it feels like to be kicked from the inside. I don’t know what labor feels like.  I don’t know the joy of holding that newborn for the very first time and welcoming him into the world.

But I am a mom.  I am a mom to a beautiful daughter, and a strong son.

I have something that birth mothers don’t have.  I have children who have opened their hearts to me just as I have opened my heart to them.  I have children who have chosen to be be my children, just as I have chosen to be their mom.  They are not mine by default.  We are not a family by default.  We all share the same last name, but we don’t share the same genes, or the same biology.  That isn’t what makes us a family.  What makes us a family is the mutual love, trust and faith that we put in each other to be parents and children.  What makes us a family is our common need; to be cared for and loved, for and by each other.  Yes, as mothers we need to be cared for by our children and we need to be loved by them.  It’s how God made us.  It’s why so many women desire so strongly to be mothers.

And so I have my children, but not the same way that other mothers do.  It cannot be said of a natural family that there is a mutual choice to be parent and child.  I have that.  And no one can ever take that from me.

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

Billy Joel, And So It Goes

by

The Things We Do For Love

When your children were very small, you took that tiny helpless baby to the doctor because you wanted to keep him safe and healthy.  You agreed to shots because you knew that the long term benefits far out weighed the minor pain your baby would suffer.  You watched helplessly as your baby screamed, turned purple and looked like he was going to die as a result of your decision to have that little shot done. When it was over, and he was safe in your arms, you knew, to the deepest part of your soul that you would do anything, anything to keep him safe.

As he grew, you hovered over him, keeping him at a distance that allowed him to grow and explore, but close enough so that you could comfort him if/when he fell.  You allowed that distance grow as he grew, but you were always there to comfort and love him.  He knew that you would never, ever put him in harms way.

I didn’t get those chances when my kids were babies.  I wasn’t there for them when that needle struck the skin.  I wasn’t there when they were learning to walk, or even ride their bikes.  But I’m here now and I know to the deepest part of my soul that I would do anything, anything to keep them safe.  But I can’t do that either.

You see, when you agree to an open adoption, you agree to put your child in harms way each time they have a visit.  And there is nothing you can do about it.  You sit in a small room and wait, not knowing what is being said, not knowing how he is responding to the circumstance.  And when you know it’s something he doesn’t really want it makes it even harder.  But you do it because someone somewhere told you that it really is better for him in the long run.

And so there I stood, in the hallway, waiting for him to poke his small blond head through the door.  And when he saw me, his pace picked up and then he started to run…right into my arms.  Because this is what I can do for love.  Because he is my son, and I love him.  I hope and pray that someday he understands that I do this because I love him, even though it means I’m putting him in an uncomfortable situation.  And I hate that.

by

Hi-Tech Ninny

Ok, so I’m just gonna put it out there.  I’m not a fan of kids having all the high tech gadgets you can get your hands on.  I was at my daughter’s soccer game this morning, and had my son bring along a book since: a) he loves to read and b) the game just can’t keep an 8 yr old’s attention for it’s duration.  I was a little sad to see him put the book down in favor of a friend’s iPod touch and the intriguing game she was playing.
Now, I didn’t pull him away from it.  I let it be.  But sitting here now, I’m thinking back over the last 24 hours and this is what I’m remembering:

  • After school, we took the kids to a hockey game.  They made posters, met a player, got autographs, hats and shirts.  We got hot dogs, dough boys and sat and enjoyed the game.  It was Scout night…so looking at the family next to us, the boy was playing on his DS.  In front of us, 3 boys were each playing games on one of 2 phones.  At one point, there was a machine gun on the screen and they were “shooting” each other.  Behind us were more…
  • The events at the soccer game this morning were followed by us stepping over to another field to watch the other U12 girls team.  Sitting on the floor were 4 kids each playing on a iPod touch.  More machine guns.  And they all had siblings playing in the game.
  • And I just read somewhere that someone I know has a kindergartner with a Kindle.  Yes, a kindergartner.

It disturbs me that so many kids have these things, and what is happening to them as a result of them.  Isolation for starters.  Here they are, in a facility where there are games being played, and they are glued to their devices.  They seem oblivious to the world

around them.  They are not even interacting with their parents….who are there with them.  At the soccer games, the younger siblings are being babysat by these things.  Parents then sit and chat, or focus on the child playing the game…instead of encouraging the younger siblings to join in watching and cheering on their older sisters.

What do the experts say?  Well, here:  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/19/health/19babies.html

Still, recent research makes it clear that young children learn a lot more efficiently from real interactions — with people and things — than from situations appearing on video screens. “We know that some learning can take place from media” for school-age children, said Georgene Troseth, a psychologist at Peabody College at Vanderbilt University, “but it’s a lot lower, and it takes a lot longer.”

So, I’m not wrong in feeling that this stuff is just not good for my kids.

The Mayo Clinic says this:

The effects of too much screen time

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting a child’s use of TV, movies, video and computer games to no more than one or two hours a day. Too much screen time has been linked to:

  • Obesity. Children who watch more than two hours of TV a day are more likely to be overweight.
  • Irregular sleep. The more TV children watch, the more likely they are to resist going to bed and to have trouble falling asleep.
  • Behavioral problems. Elementary students who spend more than two hours a day watching TV or using a computer are more likely to have emotional, social and attention problems. Exposure to video games also increases the risk of attention problems in children. Children who watch excessive amounts of TV are more likely to bully than children who don’t.
  • Impaired academic performance. Elementary students who have TVs in their bedrooms tend to perform worse on tests than those who don’t.
  • Violence. Too much exposure to violence on TV and in movies, music videos, and video and computer games can desensitize children to violence. As a result, children may learn to accept violent behavior as a normal part of life and a way to solve problems.
  • Less time for play. Excessive screen time leaves less time for active, creative play.
And there is one more problem.  Because I don’t allow my kids to have all this, and their friend’s parents do, I have the challenge of helping my kids to understand that I’m limiting TV (almost nothing compared to most) DS and Wii time and won’t buy things like Kindles or iPod touches.  They are kids, they don’t get it.  But I can talk to them, and look at their faces and they can look at mine.  And in that, for me, is victory.
by

To My Dear Children,


Dear Children,

As we are approaching Christmas, all kinds of things come up.  Some of it I can address with you, but a lot of it I can’t.  
Not because I  don’t want to but because you are not ready for it all.  Some of it’s pretty heavy and complicated.  Maybe some day…

Maybe someday I can tell you about the things I know about your birth families.

Maybe someday I can tell you about the things I know about me.

Maybe…

But for now, know that you are loved. Cherished.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it.  Not only by me and Dad, but by God, and Jesus.  This holiday marks the remembrance of  His birth.  A birth foretold by prophets and angels.  A birth that was
deliberately and specifically planned, just like yours.  His life was designed to preserve yours.  This is what we celebrate.
 The eternal life we have with Him as a result of His birth and then sacrifice.

Know that you have, in me and my husband, a mother and father that love you unconditionally.  But beyond that, you have a Father in Heaven who loves you unconditionally…..eternally.

Love,

Mommy

by

Righteous Indignation and a Feeling of Remorse

From Wikipedia:

Righteous means acting in accord with divine or moral law or free from guilt or sin. It may also refer to a morally right or justifiable decision or action or to an action which arises from an outraged sense of justice or morality. “Indignation” is anger aroused by something unjust, mean, or unworthy. The Standard Dictionary describes indignation as a “feeling involving anger mingled with contempt or disgust”.[1]

Daniel Whitby argues that “Anger is not always sinful”,[2] in that it is found among non-sinners. For example, Jesus was “angry with the Pharisees for the hardness of their hearts; yet He had no desire to revenge this sin upon them, but had a great compassion for them”. In Scott[who?]‘s comment on Ephesians 4:26, he notes that “…on many occasions, in the management of families, in reproving sin, and even in ordering their temporal concerns”, anger is permitted of Christians. Nevertheless, Scott cautions that Christians should aim to “….be very circumspect and vigilant to restrain that dangerous passion within the bounds of reason, meekness, piety, and charity; not being angry without cause, or above cause, or in a proud, selfish, and peevish manner.” In contrast with some commentators who argue that righteous indignation may be a permissible form of anger within the Christian religion, Scott argues that Christians should not express anger in the “language of vehement indignation”.[1]

The Forerunner Commentary on Psalms 137:2 argues that these psalms are about the “bitterness of exile into which God forced Judah”, purportedly with the goal of turning grief into zeal, so that the “anger can be used to scour away sin” by becoming “righteously indignant”.[3] In Richard T. Ritenbaugh’s comments on Proverbs 15:18 in How to Survive Exile, he argues that it “is alright for us to be righteously indignant as long as we do not sin.”[3] In McCosh’s book Motive Powers, he notes that “We may be angry and sin not; but this disposition may become sinful, and this in the highest degree. It is so when it is excessive, when it is rage, and makes us lose control of ourselves. It is so, and may become a vice, when it leads us to wish evil to those who have offended us. It is resentment when it prompts us to meet and repay evil by evil. It is vengeance when it impels us to crush those who have injured us. It is vindictiveness when it is seeking out ingeniously and laboriously means and instruments to give pain to those who have thwarted us. Already sin has entered.”[1]

I’m thinking a lot about this today, and how it relates to certain events in my life right now.  Not every day is sunny and happy, and when the days are dark and unforgiving, it’s easy to step outside the lines.  Sometimes the lines are blurred…

Can I feel remorse for righteous indignation?  Did Jesus?  Have I allowed sin to enter my life by way of my feelings of righteous indignation?  Or was it already there and I can’t see through my own desire for it to be righteous….

Answers come slow.  Sometimes I wish the phone would ring and the voice on the other end would say, “Hey Lori!  It’s God.  Let’s talk for a while.”

by

We Are A Family Of 4

I’m happy to say we are now a family of 4!  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine life as it is right now!  That God has seen fit to put into my household two beautiful, intelligent, loving children is beyond my comprehension.  And yet here they are…one girl and one boy.

Tonight after watching a couple episodes of Superman (the original series mind you!) I sent them off to bed.  As I walked through the kitchen, I heard my son’s voice.  I squelched the desire to holler “Go to bed!” and instead stood and listened for a moment.  This is what I heard:

“Mary, I WANT my good night hug!”  (silence for a second or two, then the sound of her door opening)  “I’m SORRY!  I couldn’t hear you over my radio.”  (silence again for a second or two, then the sound of one door closing, followed immediately by the other)

My heart skipped a beat.  My son had asked for, and received, a hug from my daughter.  Now, for some, that wouldn’t be a big deal.  But for me it is.  They are adopted.  Both of them.  From different families.  She came first, and has resisted, for the most part, his efforts at showing affection.  Part of it is the age, part of it is the gender…at 10 she really isn’t interested in hugs from boys.  But tonight, all that seemed to fade as, although I didn’t see it with my eyes, one child embraced the other each of their own doing.

All I can say is, Thank you, God.

 

by

Looking Back, Looking Forward

I’ve just spent some time looking at some of my old blog posts.  It’s really amazing to see what God has done in my life, the prayers He has answered, and the times He has brought me through.  The dark ones.  The REALLY dark ones.  And the good ones…He has been right along side me.

As I look out my window and see 2 kids playing…or bickering…I am quickly reminded of how I longed for such days.  How my heart ached at the knowledge that the infant I thought would be mine, even if for a moment, was not to be.  I am reminded of how in those times the confusion and anger and frustration of what I could not understand I really tried to put my faith in God.  Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t but I know now that He never failed me, I failed myself.  And I’m ok with that because He’s ok with that.  In the end, His plan is the one that comes to pass, not mine.

As I’m watching, the kids are playing on the swing set using the monkey bars; hanging up-side down, swinging themselves along the length of it.  Their hands are obviously sore from it.  They are taking turns, and during the “rest” time, I can see each one tending to the sores and blisters that are sure to be forming.  But what strikes me is there desire to continue to play there over rides the pain in their hands.  In spite of the obvious discomfort that the bars cause their hands, they continue to swing and climb.

I guess that’s kind of what we need to do.  To continue to climb, and swing, even when it hurts.  If we let the pain of life keep us from doing the things we love to do, then how can we enjoy the happiness the God can and will provide?

I know that the future presents us with a rocky road.  What we know of the children we have is enough to make us worry…and weary.  But I’m not going to let that stop me from following through on the path that God has put before us.  What I have to remember is that God is in control and even when it hurts, I have to keep on swinging!

by

Not Gonna Happen

I’m learning that being a parent is WAY more difficult than I ever imagined.  And it’s not about parenting.

I have seen inequities in school, and in the social areas where I bring my children.  Competition is one thing, but this is getting flat out crazy.

My kids are incredible.  They have had a horrible start, but the progress they have made is nothing short of amazing.  I’m not going to beat around the bush.  They are not perfect.  But they are simply amazing in my eyes.  And no matter what they do, they will always have my support and encouragement.  If the best they can ever do in school is average, then so be it.  Right now that’s not the case…they are both amazingly smart kids and their grades reflect that.  And if they are unable to maintain that  straight A status, then that’s OK too!  I’m proud of both of them for WHO they are, not what they can accomplish.

I’m so done with competition…the kind that compares “my kid to your kid”.  I’m done with feeling like I shouldn’t be proud of my kids accomplishments because they don’t meet some other parents  standards.  Truth be told, most of the kids that my kids are being compared to have never had to deal with the traumas.  And at the end of the day, achievement on any level is still achievement; we all have different starting points.

“I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself.  To Undermine a man’s self-respect is a sin.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you are a parent, please teach your kids that not everyone can or should be held to the same standard.  Help them to be proud of themselves, but also to recognize that achievements come in all shapes and sizes…and some of them are not measured by a report card.

by

My Gripe

Ok, so I’m going to open up about something that is really bugging me.

I have 2 kids. One is adopted, one will soon be adopted. They both came to me at 6 1/2 years old, so they have memories, and they have some issues. One has significantly more issues than the other, but they both have more then their fair share of “stuff”.

There are a lot of people in the world who are understanding and encouraging even of us and our family. We are by no means conventional, and yet we are by no means unique. And I am grateful to God for the opportunity He has given me to raise these children. We are surrounded by people who are ready and willing to help at the drop of a hat.  And they have.  But there are others who exclude us and our children from activities…neighborhood “play time”  if you will.  Oh sure they talk as if they have tolerance and understanding, but the proof is in their behavior and the behavior of their children towards mine.

I can extend a measure of exception to people who don’t know my kids, or their histories.  We all tend to judge by what we see and without knowing.  But there are those around us who DO know the relevant parts of my children’s past that helps to explain some of their behavior.  For them to behave the way they do around my kids, or to allow, and even encourage their children to behave in an exclusive way is serving only to hurt these kids even more.  I can understand the lack of tolerance…but there are right and wrong ways of going about exercising it. 

My kids didn’t ask for what has happened to them.  I believe with all my heart that they will grow into caring, compassionate adults with a love of life and others that will be unmatched by their peers simply for the fact that they have had to expose themselves to loss and reconciliation at such young ages.  And they have support through this stuff that some kids in their position don’t get.  But to mis treat them, and encourage other children to do the same out of a lack of compassion is just so not what I thought we would experience in our community.

These are children.  They are imperfect.  They deserve to be treated better than other kids because of what they have already suffered.  Call me.  Talk to me.  Ask me questions and help me to help them.  Don’t continue the hurt.  Please.