Life since High School

Recently through facebook I have  been re-connecting with some old classmates, so I’ve been thinking a lot about the twists and turns that got me where I am.

Summer between sophomore and junior year of high school, my parents divorced and we moved to the east coast from the mid west. Life wasn’t easy. Here’s the rundown in fast forward:

Struggled with the new social rules and language, joined the swim team, made varsity, went out for softball and blew out my knee triggering all the surgeries, worked at Wendy’s, finished high school, worked at an electronics manufacturing plant, got pregnant, had an abortion, married the guy, had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, divorced, worked, worked, worked, moved to California to be a ‘nanny’/Auntie to my beautiful nephew and niece, started a long distance relationship with Mr. Right, moved to Michigan, moved to New Hampshire, married Mr. Right, built a house, got a puppy, started taking classes to change careers, got another puppy, moved to Connecticut (hated it), adopted another young dog (bringing the total to 3 dogs at 1yr, 1 1/2 yrs, and 2 yrs old.)  Moved to Rhode Island, met my father-in-faith via the internet and was led to Jesus, found my church family, started a new career as a tech writer, fostered a child, adopted that child, waiting to hear about fostering another; this time a newborn.

There…that about covers it.  Looking back, there were defining moments: parents divorce, moving away, abortion, ectopic pregnancy, divorce, that really changed me, and one defining moment that really confirmed Me.  I’m not proud of what I did.  But I’ve been granted the forgiveness and mercy that helps me to learn and move forward and beyond those moments.

As difficult as it has been at times, God knew all along the path I would have to walk.  He wanted different things for me however I made choices that changed the path.  But never the goal.  God made sure of that.

UPDATE:

As of December 2009, we are foster parents to a first grade boy!  The newborn we were waiting for was placed elsewhere due to his medical issues.  But once again, God showed us that His plan is perfect and sent this wonderful, challenging, articulate, fun, loving little boy into our family for how ever long he needs to be here!

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Last Letter

My Dear Children,

The day has arrived for me to let you go.  I have not wanted this day to come for obvious reasons, but I have been waiting for it for so many years.  The sun is shining brightly this morning, and the sky is crystal clear; just the kind of day that makes the earth look happy.

This is going to be my last letter to you.  Not because I don’t want to write to you, but because in saying good bye, I need to close the door behind that keeps me in this prison and cross the bridge to a new life, one without regrets and without sorrow over you.  One that rejoices in knowing that you were, even for a few brief moments, lives that had meaning, purpose.  Lives that will not be forgotten but will be remembered with joy rather than shame, guilt and sorrow.  I want that so badly, and I’m sure that you would want it to be that way as well.

I wish that I could share with you the joys of earthly childhood; the meaning of a mommy wiping a tear, or the feeling of climbing into a welcoming lap when the world has beaten you down.  I wish that I could see your faces, and hear your voices.  But it was not meant to be in this lifetime.  I can look forward to seeing you, hearing you, holding you, knowing you in the kingdom of Heaven!  The anticipation is great, but please know that the love is greater.  The love that keeps me right where I am, giving to the little girl God has given me all the things I would give to you, but knowing that she is not you, and you are waiting for me!  In her, I will continue to see you, and through loving her, I will be loving you.  She is my purpose, and a gift from the God that loves and cares for you.

I know that letting go of you is not going to be easy.  I know that there will be tears.  But I also know that when I have really let you go to the One who created you and loves you more than I can fathom, I will be free to cross over the bridge to a better place in my own life.

Please know that this is a bitter sweet day for me, one that will not be forgotten, just as you are not forgotten.

Love, Mommy

Eyes on the Prize

Update:

I’m sitting here watching the women’s Olympic Marathon. I can’t help but think about the pain these runners endure, the determination it takes make it to the end of the race. Age, injury, economics…all factor into a race. And yet they run.

Who among us has not had pain? Who among us lacks determination? We all suffer aging, occasional set backs be it physical, emotional, financial…

We run…

And as the first runner enters the arena, the crowd erupts. Oh how the gates of Heaven must sound!

Philippians 3

NIV: 12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The Message: 12 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. 13 My friends, I don’t feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. 14 I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done.

I was watching my dog, Spirit as she focused on a toy I was holding. Her eyes fixed on it. I tried in vain to get her to look at me, to just glance in my direction. I said her name, I made noises, I even moved the toy out of sight. She didn’t budge. She kept looking at it, and when it wasn’t there she looked at where it was.

Oh that I could learn to focus on Jesus that way!

Some Like it HOT!!

We are here in Florida, just outside Tampa.  It’s hot.  Not just a little hot, it’s way HOT.  The humidity is the killer here.  It’s so hot, the outdoor pool feels like bath water.  I didn’t try frying an egg, but i’m sure you could. 

We will be here, at Nana’s house, until Tuesday and then drive up to Orlando for a few days of Disney and a few nights of CEC Convocation.  I’m so looking forward to all of it.  I’m very much looking forward to seeing the global side of our church!  It was hard today to go to church and not be able to participate in the one thing that Christ wanted all of us to share:  His meal, communion.  We went to a Roman Catholic church.  Their ‘rules’ say we can’t participate.  Hard as I try, I just don’t understand it.  It was difficult to explain to Mary that because this wasn’t our church, that we couldn’t do what they did.  She didn’t understand.  She didn’t question me on it, but she clearly didn’t understand.  Quite frankly I don’t know what I would have told her if she did quizz me. 

Any suggestions?  How do you explain the ‘rules’ of church?

Don’t it Figure

UPDATE:

Mary and I have both been to the doctor. It is suspected that what Mary has is viral. Her strep culture (the quick one) was negative but they are sending out the second ‘backup’ to be sure. The doctor did suggest Benedryl for congestion. Other than that she is good to go!

I am on antibiotic for an infection in my throat. The doctor also gave me a cough medicine with Codeine. I am assuming that my strep culture was also negative, since they never called me.

It’s still early, and there are a few days for us to get better before the big trip! Thanks for praying!!

Here we are days away from going to Disney World, and I’m sick!

I call the doctor to see if I can get in, and the only

appointment they have is at the exact same time that I have another appointment today!

I call to see if I can change the other appointment, and they don’t have anything that works!

This morning Mary informs me that she, too, has a sore throat!

The show ain’t over! We will not be defeated! This first family vacation is going to happen!

please pray…

Makes my heart cry…

Where ever I go
Far away and anywhere

Time after time you always shine
through dark of night calling after me

And where ever I climb
Far away and anywhere

You raise me high beyond the sky
through stormy night lifting me above

Venite Spiritu et emitte caelitus
Venite Spiritu et emitte caelitus
Venite Spiritu Venite Spiri tus

Whenever I cry
Far away and anywhere

You hear me call when shadows fall
your light of hope showing me the way

Libera, Michael Horncastle solo